Imagine a Reality

an end

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 04:21:44 GMT

The semester is more than halfway done. so much has gone on i'm not even going to try to write it all down. I've read through this journal.. well most of it. what a collection of memories. lots of firsts, lots of lasts. (well i hope) happy days, sad days, mistakes, regrets, and things i'd do again in a heartbeat.

even an irregular one.

I am 20 years old now. no more teenage years. i've learned so much, and so little at the same time. God knows why i make the same mistakes over and over.. haha but it makes for great stories to tell grandkids.

with all this said, i bid thee farewell, journal. maybe one day i'll print you out so you won't be forgotten. A few good years on paper. until then, wish me luck.

love me and leave me..

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 18:10:21 GMT

haven't written anything in awhile. i'd like to blame it on school... yea... no.

hmm.. since three weeks ago..

well biggest news... i might not be as single as i was a week ago. and that's all i have to say about that. so much for swearing it all off. seriously, everytime i tell myself i won't do something, it kinda happens.

hookah on the quad with my good buddy

. erik came later too. it was fun trying to walk back to my car after smoking like whoa. not an everyday thing to do i guess. haha.

exams went well. my lowest grade right now is my calc elective. i'm a genius for deciding i needed to take a calc elective even though it isn't a requirement. oh well, what can ya do.

i went to the solar symposium in dc last friday with brianna, (i'm a huge nerd i know), and then down to vmi for the 1st class party on saturday. yay good times.

this weekend is fall break and i'm spending it here doing nothing. next weekend is my birthday and i'm having a party saturday night. yay party. boo michelle for having one the same night, i would have gone to yours, but grrrr... 3 hour drive and have to be here drunk too. not happening. (brad you'd better get your ass down here :P)

and that about covers it.

o to kwiatki z bajki...

Fri, 07 Oct 2005 03:55:06 GMT

so

who wants to draw my tattoo...?

i re-found photobucket

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 23:50:08 GMT

my iv and bracelet

my super awesome hookah

The pig roast i may or may not have mentioned

brad kissing the pig... how cute

we love you brad.

as close to near death as i'd like to be...

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 03:39:12 GMT

actually.. i'd rather not have been there. i, my good friends, have a kidney infection. that means, not a muscle in my back hurting, but an infection. big deal. i was gonna ignore it some more, cuz i already have been for over a week, and let it go away, but it would have ended in kidney failure. which is bad. so. i missed my exam today and am missing my exam tomorrow and have to make them up. i was in the hospital sunday night with a needle stuck in my arm and i got one of those name bracelets. not as ouch as the hip. claire caught me crying cuz i woke up and it hurt no matter where or how i moved cuz the ibuprophen wore off, so she dragged my ass to a doctor. and jessica came. and kate came too. kate and lauren, my otehr two roommates, had tried to get me to go to a doctor because i'd had a fever for the whole weekend. plus i felt like crap. but nooooo i'm a moron stubborn sob who doesn't listen till i can't move. so now i'm mad at my body and the medication and having to make up exams. and i have a stomach ache.

i'm done.. i hate my body.

so much for keeping up to date

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 00:39:10 GMT

first thing i have to clarify. my heart is ok. no gunshot. although kevin and i are still broken up, but i think i made the right decision. it wasn't working out. i wish him the best and he deserves the best. i hope we can still be friends.

classes have kept me pretty busy. sleep is a thing of the past. i signed up for tae kwon do. it is incredible. i forgot how much i missed it. i also signed up for boarderline, the snowboard club. now i'm watching the skies for snow, even if it's 80 degrees outside. and i'm not complaining, the weather is splendid, i just have something to look forward to. i'm working as a ta for and isat class i took last year, 211. it's a manufacturing class and dr. zarrugh is an awesome proffesor to work for. the pay isn't the best, but it's something. especially with gas prices like they are now. i'm in the process of signing up for the va bio association and ispe, two club/organizations in which my major is really involved. that'll look good on a resume if anything, but i think i'll learn a lot too, and there will be opportunities to talk to employers for when i need internships or a job eventually.

i'd forgotten how awesome the chili peppers are.

i went to philly and visited ryan this past weekend. took the girls, saw the city, had some fun. tasha hopped a train in dc and came up too. there was a whole lot of unnecessary drama with the girls from home, and i still don't understand, but it's surprising to find out who your friends are and who you can trust with information. i've realized that information is the biggest threat to any person simply because even though i may not care what people think of me and what i do, the immaturity levels interfere with being civil to each other. things were said that probably should not have been said and i have no idea how some things even came up, especially since the initial argument had nothing to do with anything. whatever, i'm not compromising who i am for someone's whims. and so, i know who my friends are.

i bought a hookah in philly, finally. ryan, the awesome that he is, took me to this cigar store where i found a gorgeous one. blue. tiny. awesome. i'll post pictures. erik is on his way over to have a smoke. there see? friends take the good with the bad.

i've been talking to this guy tommy from vmi a lot recently. hmmm.. i don't want anything right now. i want a friend first.

rory is back from iraq. and israel and kuwait and whereever else he said he went. i talked to him a bit last night. maybe i'll see him again someday soon. as i once, we would get along nice as friends. i hope he realizes that that's it and i hope that's what he wants too. haha one funny thing tho. he was on ship and didn't feel like putting his phone in storage, so he threw it overboard. i pick the bright ones.

i'm going home next weekend, the weekend of the 7th till the 9th. i don't know what time i'll be there, but i hope to see some people. my mom is excited to go shopping. thrills and giggles.

i'm 15 for a minute...

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 00:57:36 GMT

and broke up again.

i can't do this anymore.

so i shot myself in the heart.

stupid

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 04:58:04 GMT

so

i just broke up with kevin

and got back together with him

wow

every season turns...

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 01:08:40 GMT

it's been awhile. my updates kinda got interrupted. let me summarize i guess.

warped tour was fun. saw some cool bands, got the shit beat out of me, surfed, the usual. not too many bruises, but definitely got dehydrated cuz i'm stupid and didn't drink a lot of water. i ran into eddie there, and didn't kick him in the face this time. haha.

my apartment is awesome. i decorated myself so it's exactly how i wanted it to be. my own space is important to me. i love it. i still have pictures to put up, but all in good time. classes have started and i'm enjoying myself for the most part. i'm on campus for most of the day since my classes are pretty spread out, but that lets me catch up on reading and such. the downside is i have to carry a heavy load, but i'm thinking of just using kinko's and copying pages out of at least my calculus book so i don't have to carry it everywhere. it shouldn't be too bad, and i can have everything with me then. i'm hoping this is the last semester i have to worry about walking accross campus. wow, now i'm officially more than halfway through college. and i'm still 19, as some friends repeatedly pointed out this past weekend. :) i got a job on campus as a TA for a manufacturing course i took last year. i didn't entirely understand the course, but i got good grades in it, so i'll just go back over that binder when i can bring it down here from home. there was a little bit of a panic when i thought i lost my social security card, which i need to finish forms for the job, but it turned out i gave it to my dad for safe keeping with the other cards, so all i have to do is get him to fax it to the secretary for me tomorrow between classes.

i actually miss my family again. happens every time i go away and stay away for a longer time. putting up pictures and going through my picture boxes bring back memories. nostalgic.

i've been out to quite a few parties these last two weeks and i've made a bunch of new friends. part of why i love college is that it's so easy to meet so many interesting people and everyone at jmu is so nice and easy-going. i think i like where i am in my head right now, comfortable with who i am and what i'm doing. i'm not too concerned with the little things anymore, though it's nice to think about sometimes.

the rest of the summer was quick. my last weekend i spent alone because kevin had already gone back to school and my family went mountain biking at snowshoe. i was with kevin when i got the news about steve and he was really supportive and let me cry on his shoulder. things are different now, i can't say they'll be the same ever again. things like this happen i guess, and it's always to those you least expect. steve was the kind of guy who you went to with those kind of troubles, not expecting him to have some of his own troubles be so serious. he helped me through rory and realizing that it wasn't what i wanted. he was a big brother figure and a great friend and i'll love him forever.

things have changed.

this weekend, a bunch of the vmi guys came to visit, as some did last weekend. i forgot how much i missed that kind of interaction, since most of the time at home it was really chill and kinda slow. i love going out, trying new things, meeting new people. i haven't done much of that over the summer. i'm also starting to accept that kevin and i are very different people. as some may know, things kept getting interesting over the summer on my side at least. i had no idea what i wanted. and i'm still working on that, but i think i need to see him more often than i do in order to figure out what i want. and now i really hope he doesn't read this, because i don't know what i'm going to do in the next month. i never was good about relationships. plus there's this whole big pressure from dating someone from the "group" that i can't seem to think straight, so i'm just going to let things happen and stop worrying so much about what people think.

last night was awesome. haha we had 8 guys crash our place. claire and i were moms and cooked breakfast and everything. when we were dancing last night tho, i popped my knee out and had to push it back into place. ouch. a little ouch. two of the guys offered to give me piggy back rides since we were walking back to our place, but i ended up walking home with chris for good company and conversation. beats walking back alone definitely, especially at 3am. haha and now i'm running on three hours of sleep and i feel fine. that coffee is incredible. mmmmm so good. on that note, i'm done for now. i'll try not to have so long a break but no promises.

things are good.

steve

Mon, 22 Aug 2005 04:38:12 GMT

my good friend stephen ayers passed away on thursday the 18th. he committed suicide. he was 22 years old. i've been crying for a few days so this post is late. steve was the friendliest person i know. he was outgoing. always a smile on his face. always trying to put a smile on mine. he took me under his wing from the first day we met. saved my butt a few times. made me laugh many more. helped me through the break up with rory, helped me realize how unhealthy it was for me. helped me in so many ways. and now he's gone. i'll never see him again. unless i go to hell too. i'm catholic.

why did you do it sweetheart? why did you hurt us all?

what an interesting day

Wed, 10 Aug 2005 04:06:37 GMT

first and foremost... i bought new shoes. they are pink. and they rock.

that said, warped tour is tomorrow... hence the new shoes. i'm going after all (HOORAY!) with kathleen from work and her friend(s). it will be fun. i am excited. i'm ready to get my ass kicked in the crowds.

work was uneventful lately. i might go shopping with steph and kate, and i might go to the hookah bar with kory and whoever on monday night, if anyone would like to join either. two weeks of this apple-bullshit to put up with. and then apartment!!!

yay!!!

i went to a wedding this past weekend as kevin's date (and wore pink) and had a fabulous time. the bride looked more than gorgeous and the groom was smiling the whole time. they covered his car with paper and writing before they drove off. kevin danced with me at the reception which was wonderful. (this would be where claire gags at the cutesy-ness) :) things are great.

not much else is going on but i will let everyone know how much fun warped tour was and how much you all suck for not going. (except michelle, i love you, i'm sorry you couldn't make it)

two weeks left, i'm leaving tuesday the 23rd, so if you miss me already, call me to hang out. love.

so much for that...

Fri, 05 Aug 2005 04:44:21 GMT

i've been looking forward to wednesday since before summer started and now i just want to cry. they actually scheduled me despite my having taken off. so after arguing with my boss to be sure i had the day off to go to warped tour, no one can go with me. whatever.

it's just a concert right? no big deal.

there's always next year.....

i've got soul...

Thu, 28 Jul 2005 03:41:27 GMT

i've decided that applebee's is the most retarded establishment in the entire world, except maybe the people who invented the noise for when your computer makes an error. work bites. being there all day bites more.

i have a list of wonderful places i would rather be than here at my desk. although, my bed is on that list so i'll keep the list in my head but it includes mountains with snowboarding resorts, and the carribean beaches, and those really cool cities.... and so on. and my bed.

i had a nice talk with kevin and concluded to myself that i never had any marbles in the first place, but if i had, i would have lost them. i'm going to let things go as they go and accept that maybe things aren't as scary as i may think. especially how i feel. also, ice cream comes in many flavors for those bad days where i overanalyze my own breathing. also again, my teddy bear trenton is sitting in my very comfortable bed that is one of the places i would rather be than at this desk.

also, four months isn't as long as one would think. not quite long enough at all.

i made some pretty sparkly earrings. they sparkle.

there are about three weeks until i get to go back to my wonderful jmu and have an apartment and get ready for classes and be back at wonderful jmu. so exciting.

i am going dress shopping tomorrow for kevin's friend's wedding. i have no idea what i am suposed to wear to a wedding. oh well, something conservative? something not black? something dressy? haha this should be fun.

wow... i am so whipped.

goodnight.

staring into space does no good

Mon, 18 Jul 2005 23:12:11 GMT

i'm back to the point where i don't care and every little thing irritates me.

my camera is broken. fell on the floor. warrenty doesn't cover the damage. i hate life. there's a big circle crack in my winshield. i have to go get that fixed. these stupid birth control pills are messing with my head... either that or i'm really really emotional. i'm broke. again. or i will be soon.

is it healthy to think about past relationships while in one? i love kevin... but i'm not satisfied. i've never been able to do anything for more than a few days at once. maybe i'm too young, or maybe i was right in the first place and shouldn't have gotten involved. i'm tired of saying 'we'll see' and then waiting for whatever comes. nothing comes. no point in waiting when you don't know what you're waiting for or if it even exists. am i asking too much?

when i was young i knew everything...

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 03:47:34 GMT

tech tomorrow. i want to go, but i don't. i've been having a weird few days. i think it might be because of the birth control, because my moods are just so unpredictable. i'll talk to the doctor about it i think. i've also been having weird dreams lately... really scary or sad thing i think, cuz that's how i feel waking up. i don't remember details. my imagination is officially taking over. that's not a very good thing.

kevin and i have been together over three months. at the end of this month it'll be my longest official relationship. i don't think he knows that. for some reason i'm scared to confide in him. he seems so innocent. on the 4th, i left work crying and almost cried in front of him and everyone. things have gotten back to how they were when i had my knives in my desk. at the end of this month, it will have also been a long time since i bought a razor. and so on. this isn't so easy. i plan on being too drunk to care.

yesterday i went to a bookstore. i'll have something to fall asleep to again. maybe make my dreams better again. maybe it's just this week and things will be great again starting monday. i need a new distraction.

besides this, i'm sick and tired of people pretending to care. for example, live 8. it raised awareness. so? that's not money. that doesn't feed the kids or stop aids. that provided people with an excuse and entertainment for cheap. why not just send the money directly to africa? besides that, look around. there are starving kids in fairfax not to mention the rest of the states. it's just frustrating. i hear people discussing what we should do and be doing, sipping on their coffee and reading the paper. it's easy to criticize. get out. help. go visit a nursing home and talk to those who have no one to talk to. send a card to the soldiers and tell them that we really do care about what they're doing. send money if you have it. if not, save it. start an envalope, or use an old tissue box and throw change that you'll never use again into it and count it at the end of the month. then send that check. i'm tired of reading about what's going on when the time spent complaining about the poor job we're doing could have been spent on something worthwhile.

and goodnight.

broke again

Wed, 29 Jun 2005 16:38:41 GMT

i need to stop spending money. again. sigh. i bought that camera using my credit card so now my bills age huge and just... sigh. oh well.

kevin came with me to the build a bear place in the mall. it was quite the experience. haha "pawsonal" signature and all. hysterical. he thought it was over the top, but i think it's awesome for little kids. total interaction and all that. but anyway, i have a teddy bear and he is so cute and hooray hooray. trenton. haha.

work blows lately. anyone could do it. it's been incredible slow. i hope it gets busy tonight. i hope we get slammed. i wouldn't even mind closing. as i said, broke. we shall see.

also i have a huge crack in my winshield because they are pavin braddock again and a rock hit me. not cool. so that has to be done. does anyone know how to replace a winshield?

my house will be empty this weekend, and some kids are drinking at other people's houses, so it should be interesting. not sure if i want to get hammered. fireworks would kick ass though if i get a chance to see any. i might have to drive up to the marina and see that show.

an injection of doubt...

Fri, 24 Jun 2005 17:35:08 GMT

i need a break. some alone time lately. a good friend has been making it very clear that i'm worthless. answering phone calls, even with a no, would be appreciated. i wonder how long it would take for said friend to contact me if i didn't call asking to hang out and do stuff. other than that, kevin is frustrating me and i don't know what to do about it. i don't want to get into detail as this is a public journal thing, but i may have to write a private entry. i just don't know what to do. i need a new distraction.

thus, insert pretty colors and such.

You Were Actually Born Under:

You are solid, methodical, and you do things right the first time.
Even when no one else does, you always believe in yourself.
You tend to see the world in black and white, right or wrong.
A good memory and eye for details means you tend to thrive at near impossible tasks.

You are most compatible with a Snake or Rooster.

You Should Have Been Born Under:

You've got a ton of energy - and need plenty of room to roam.
You tend to follow your whims, and it's hard for you to stick to one thing.
Specific jobs, loves, and friends are always changing and never a part of your life for long.
Very intuitive, you tend to know what people are thinking before they say a word.

You are most compatible with a Dog or Tiger.

What Ye

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more relaxed, calm, and composed.

With respect to money, you spend as little as possible.

You think good luck depends on maintaining good relationships with others.

The hidden side of your personality tends to be a little selfish. You only do what interests you.

You are tend to think about others' feelings a lot, perhaps because you are so eager to be liked.

When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you base your search on information from your friends.

Who's the True You?

You Are Absinthe!
You have a unique personality. Although most like you, sometimes you take some getting used to. You can be a bit strong. You are full of energy and sometimes flamboyant. You are the life of the party but if people are not careful you can knock them on their ass.

What Naughty My Little Pony Are You?

a meat snack?

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 18:09:38 GMT

What You Really Think Of Your Friends

Brianna is your soulmate.

You truly love Tasha.

You consider Jessica your true friend.

You know that Pat is always thinking of you.

You'll remember Claire for the rest of your life.

You secretly think Kim is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.

You secretly think that Karla is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.

You secretly think that Scuba Steve is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Scuba Steve changes lovers faster than underwear.

You secretly think Curt is shy and nonconfrontational. And that Curt has a hidden internet romance.

What Do You Think of Your Friends?

down with the sickness...

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 22:41:33 GMT

i just wanted you to know. angelina jolie is the hottest person ever in existance and i am jealous. that is all.

a curse on thermometers

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 14:12:34 GMT

aparently i have the flu. or something like it. since saturday night. and i'm still sick!!! this is so frustrating. i hate being sick. i'm miserably good for nothing, for at least a few more days. i've called out of work, for the first time ever! and i have to call out for the rest of the week too. horrible. i spent my sunday in bed. i'm all gross and ewww right now too and no matter how many showers i take, 5 minutes later i'm the same again. i had a fever of 103.3 at 6am this morning. i couldn't sleep.

kevin stopped by yesterday.... with me looking all gross and disgusting and sick... eww no make-up or even decent clothes. but i can't really be too mad cuz he bought me flowers and brought cookies and i love him. haha.

so besides being disgusting and stinky, not that i can smell anything, i've made friends with the basement couch because that's the only place in this house with an ok temperature.

when i look back, i realize nothing's changed

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 06:14:40 GMT

i'm sitting here staring at a box full of knives. i've been here for about 5 minutes and all i've done is stare. i give up on private entries, they do me no good. i left steve's today and drove around and cried. a good hard cry. if i ever say i don't cry, i'm lying. i hate it. i hate it so much. it makes me feel so helpless, powerless, no control over myself. i'm suprised i didn't hit something. what am i doing? i'm a peach during the day and inside i just want a pillow to silence my screams. loud music is just as unsatisfying. the driving doesn't help too much. so here i am looking at three exactos and 10 different blades. if only once... kevin would never understand. i can't do it.

he bought a new car today. i'm thrilled that he's happy. he was bummed about the car thing for awhile. his face lit up when he said it was his. happiness is the most beautiful thing in the world. why does he waste his time with me?

i'm scared. i know. i'm told i have no reason to be scared, but even if he does love me, he doesn't know this side of me. i hope he never knows this side of me. i've let myself deteriorate. i daydream about my own death. funeral. ten years later. a name on a rock. it would be so easy.

maybe i should see that shrink like i once planned on doing. talk to someone who knows how to talk to me. knows what to say to make it better. maybe get on some kind of drugs. what are my chances of government clearance if i'm a diagnosed head case? probably end up in some insano ward. if the 60s they would have locked me up a while ago.

feels so much better to get some of that out. the crying helped some too i guess. now... to make this private or not? haha... who cares. psycho-analyze this crap or sleep. makes no difference. tomorrow is always another day.

i only wish i didn't feel like i was hurting kevin by even existing. i don't know what to do. someone should tell him that he's wasting his time. he could do so much better.

like salt in my eyes...

Sat, 28 May 2005 19:23:11 GMT

i want to go somewhere far far away where no one knows me.

i want to die. why am i so miserable?

kocham cie

Fri, 20 May 2005 03:03:00 GMT

i am the luckiest girl in the world.

maze o ciebie. na teraz i na zafsie. czymaj mnie mocno, kochanie, bo nie chce cie poscic. jestem twojom.

and that about sums it up :)

with a few spelling errors, i know.

wow what a day.

shivering in the sunshine

Tue, 17 May 2005 03:07:53 GMT

this journal only seems to see my ups and downs, and nothing in between. none of that blah-ness. i end up reading other people's entries more than i write in here. call it a window into the world. and what a world it's been.

i went to manassas today to the tavern something or other with claire and met up with my friend bryan and his friend paul, who happens to be the kicker for the jmu football team. claire says we're living next door to bruce and the other football guys next year and not across from them. should be fun. thursday night i went to apex, the gay club on 22nd in dc. it was such a blast, except some girl refused to dance with me, but whatever, it was all just for fun.

speaking of fun. kevin and i went to kings dominion saturday. it was awesome. incredible. we got stuck coming off the volcano, because the train after us got stuck or something, so they wouldn't let us off. spending the whole day with kevin made me think a lot. i got to see how comfortable i am with him.

please please please .... haha i really hope he's not reading this. that would be bad.

especially because....

i think i love him. no. i know i love him. it's terrifying. i am so freaking scared. i can't afford to be hurt again, and this time it would be so bad. i've never told anyone else i loved them. well besides the whole family and friends thing, because of course i loved him before, as a friend, but now it's so diferent. i mean it. soooooo freaking scared. my mind is telling me that i am being retarded and why did i let myself into this mess, but all i want to do right now is be with him. this is insane. soooooooo scared. i'm not like this. this stuff doesn't happen to me. and if he's reading this then wow i'm dead, but somehow, i think he already knows. in normal karoline-life, i would be packing up and running right now, like i always do. or did. because this time i can't. i don't want to lose this.

somehow i think he'll get tired of me by the end of the summer if not sooner. i don't know how he puts up with me. i went to a freakin bar tonight with a couple guys and claire. and a club the other day. true, they were all just my friends and it was a gay bar, but why did i feel so guilty? he deserves so much better.

somehow i think he'll wisen up by the end of the summer and know me for the skank that i am.

i've been having bad dreams lately too, so i'll blame all this on those.

because i'm too lazy to actually update

Tue, 10 May 2005 21:13:19 GMT

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?